Dealing with narcissistic men in relationships

Most people display a varying degree of narcissism at different times, but in order to be diagnosed as suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder, the level of narcissism has to be very severe. So what are the traits of a narcissistic personality and if your partner is diagnosed as suffering from the disorder, what is the best way of dealing with narcissistic men in relationships?

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We have probably all met men or women with narcissistic tendencies at some point in our lives. They are the ones who are extremely self-centered, conceited and arrogant. They think they are God’s gift to the opposite sex and are always striving to be the center of attention, which can make a relationship with this type of person extremely challenging at the best of times.

If this sounds like an accurate description of your partner, learning some tips for dealing with narcissistic men in relationships should help you to avoid complete emotional meltdown. But as well as understanding how best to cope with the traits of a narcissistic personality, it is also essential for you to understand that there might come a point in the relationship when you must leave for your own sake.

How to Break up with a Narcissistic man?How to Deal with a Narcissistic man?

Dealing with narcissistic men in relationships is challenging. Imagine being in a relationship with the most egotistical diva who ever lived and that should give you some idea of the issues you will be facing.

What traits do narcissistic men have?

Men with narcissistic personality disorder struggle to show compassion and empathy. No matter how upset you might be feeling about something that has happened, your partner will be completely unable to feel any sympathy for you—not because they don’t care, but because they are unable to put themselves in your shoes and understand how you feel. This inability to empathize and feel compassion also means your partner might say or do hurtful things to get a reaction, which can be very difficult to deal with.

The best way of dealing with narcissistic men in relationships is to be very firm about what you will and will not accept. It is vital that you set boundaries for their behavior as the more you put up with it, the more they will dish out. However, it is worth remembering that ultimately you are never going to change your man and no matter how many times you point out how badly they are behaving, they are still likely to continue behaving in an unacceptable manner. In most cases, the best way to deal with a narcissistic man is to ignore him or walk away from the situation.

Narcissistic people are usually hyper sensitive to criticism, so be very careful about criticizing a narcissistic man’s behavior, or indeed anything. He is likely to see it as a personal attack and react badly.

At some point in the relationship, you may have to decide if the bad times far outweigh the good times. Dealing with a narcissistic man is not easy and for anyone suffering from low self-esteem, it can be an extremely self-destructive relationship. Narcissistic Victim Syndrome is a recognized disorder suffered by those people in relationships with narcissistic personalities and the classic signs are depression, low self esteem, anxiety problems, and in the worst cases, suicidal tendencies.

46 Responses to “Dealing with narcissistic men in relationships”

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  1. Rae Lynn says:

    is it possible for a man to have narcissistic traits towards one person but not to another ? As in haiving no regard for hurting his wife and kids, no compassion at all for the hurt his cheating has caused us, refused to say anything to his married girlfriend to bring closure I’m assuming because he doesn’t want to hurt her ? she was sleeping with 4 other men besides him, so I don’t think she was hurt by anything. But hurting his wife and kids doesn’t seem to bother him at all.

    • Alexander says:

      Hi Rae Lynn, that is a very complex question and I can not give you an easy answer. First of all I want to say that a trait is something that resembles a person. It is not something that is triggered by someone but not by another person, because a true narcissistic person does not have the ability to react differently because he does not understand how to do it. He misses the ability to emphasize and does not exactly understand why his behavior will hurt someone.

      Personality disorders are very complex and it is really hard to say if someone has a narcissistic personality disorder or just some narcissistic traits which I believe everyone has.

      For the cheating part about your question I can not help you with that. People cheat all the time and you don’t have to have a personality disorder to do so. It is also really difficult to give a reaction without knowing the exact situation.

      I hope this answers your question a little bit, good luck!

  2. Heidi says:

    Hi, I have been married to an extreme narcissistic man for over 17 years. I finally realized that he will never, ever change. He refuses to go to Marriage counseling because all counselors are “pathetic losers”. He manipulates everything so I think it is my fault. My self esteem is gone , I am constantly anxious and I have panic attacks. My husband has no respect for any human being, especially women. My family therapist thinks there is a little hope but I don’ t know. I am not a person who gives up easily but for my health sake I might have to leave this marriage. There is no more compassion or empathy left in my marriage. Sometimes I actually think I am going crazy in my head. It is a very, very destructive disorder. Both of my husbands parents are Narcissists and my goal in life is to ensure that my son will not follow this trait.

  3. alice says:

    awesome article i indeed enjoyed and elated on finding more and more info on this topic and ,, am taking steps to insure my well being and peice of mind thnks again for this site

  4. lisa says: not sure that my partner is narcississtic..or obsessed or what!! i just know that ive had enough. we have been together 6 years and he did sweep me off my feet. i have suffered alot of gynae problems since having my 4 yr old and his behaviour has got worse over the years. he has always been jealous of me talking to anyone..and questions where i have been..wh did you see? etc….i have recently had a fullk hysterectomy which has made him absolutely unbearable….he goes mad if anyone else helps me, yet he is at work all day!! he cries because he isnt getting enough attention and then tells me no-one loves me like he does!!! in the next breathe he says he is leaving because he isnt happy!!! im lost 🙁

    • vickie says:

      If you only knew! These Narc’s have unlimited resources. For every bad reaction/bad behavior they display….they have a reason! for everything. The reason; YOU! They are so crafty and master’s at their profession, soon you will agree, it was/is YOU, thatcaused them, to do their dirty deeds! They age you physically, and suck everything from you. They are the most messed up human beings. Don’t stay, RUN! I was a MEEK person, (a goodthing), now Iam a WEAK person. Condensed to a person I don’t recognize. My goal now, is too work on trying to get to a somewhat healthy place. Stay, give up YOU! RUN!!!!

    • mary says:

      we must b strong for ourselves……

  5. Nancy says:

    Reading the words of others I cannot help but think that they were married to the same man I was married to. Let us face it… These narcissistic men look for women that are easy for them to control. They pick out a woman that likes to please. At first the are mr. Wonderful. When they are sure this woman loves them… Then it starts. First he separate the woman from all support systems like family or friends. They tell her that her family is crazy and her friends are looses. When the woman is dependent on him, the the mind control begins. That woman is in a relationship much like a cult. To break free of this is often difficult. Women wake up and see what has happened to you! This is not love.

  6. Nancy says:

    Woman beware

  7. BROKEN1 says:

    I love him, I give him the frickin world on a platter. I raise his child that has severe ADHD, I show him love, kindness, respect, I clean his house, take care of the kids, I work, I am always making things better for him and building him up. I make sure everyone is taken care of day after day. I ask for so little…reason #1 is I don’t want to ask for too much, reason #2 is….I ASK HE SHOOTS ME DOWN!!!!! Im talking about love, time, caring. not much just once in a blue moon. And when I ask, im the worst person in the world. It had been weeks since he touched me, or even really had a converstion with me. I asked him “can we not watch TV tonight and just spend time together and catch up. bottom line he got mad at me for asking, he said to me “can’t you wait til my next days off?” which were in 20 days. i cried, he sat there and did nothing. he wont talk to me, and when he hurts me and makes me cry, he sits there and watches me. He won’t move to comfort me. Im a good looking, smart, loving, caring, sympathic, great person here. and he treats me like crap. WOW!!!! It is so fricken hard because I do love him, and I do give him everything he wants and lots more….then I get thrown out with the trash. F%@k him. I deserve so much better than this. I am such a loving and caring person, I dont understand how one can be this way. If I ever made him cry, i’d cry myself and i’d comfort him. I wouldn’t be able to say sorry enough. Well this is the ramblings from “BROKEN1”

    • brokentoo says:

      @Broken1….GET OUT. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. The loving, caring people are perfect prey to a narcissist. It’s wonderful that you are so loving…that’s how I am, too. But you have to rise up and love yourself more. No one will ever love you lke you. I have experience with narcissism on two levels. My brother is an extreme narcissist, and I spent endless nights listening to my sister in law cry before she finally got out. And then also, I became involved with someone 14 years ago. I thought he he was the love of my life, but I moved to another city and we ended it. We started things again last August. Looking back, the signs were all there, but I chose to ignore them. Over time, and the more I professed my love for him, the worse he treated me. We ended it in late February, and I have been a basket case since, crying almost daily. UNTIL THIS MORNING. I found this website,, and read this woman’s entire article. And at the bottom of the article she talks about taking your power back. Go read it, hopefully you will have an awakening like I did. I totally feel for you, Broken1….please don’t let this asshole tear you down anymore. He needs help that YOU CAN’T GIVE HIM. Good luck to you….and hang in there.

    • davis says:

      Do yourself a favor and read~ _____WHY DOES HE DO THAT?______ author BANCROFT~ : it will help all women in any dysfunctional relationships have the understanding you need to see what you are dealing with. PLEASE , PLEASE read this book. All women should read WHY DOES HE DO THAT? before ever dating a man and especially before marriage.

    • wisdomcanary says:

      Broken1….I am reading your post…it horrified me! I am reading my own post-felt like you wrote it for me.

      That’s exactly what I had done for my 27 years husband. I was a very loving, caring strong morale and a strong will, a survivor, I felt almost reduce down to dust with the “love” my husband “engulfed” me with. I did believe that he loved me but I couldn’t understand why I felt like I was drawning in it. He just told me I was the cause of his unhappiness, because I started doing things for myself, I became emotionally independent of his smothering love. He claimed, I don’t love him…and we needed to split, I agreed…he had gone mad, I meant REALLY MAD. He told me that I had to stop meditating, I had to stop visiting my temple because they brainwashed me, I had to stop seeing my temple friends because they are after my money. Final draw, he begged me to change my mind not to leave him but cut out all my emotional/spiritual support system. I refused, the next day he told me we had to split. I faced with this staying/spliting over the 3 months period since January 2012. Then, he hooked back up with his affair lover (who just splited up and she has been depressed all her life and they had an affair 5 years ago), he went off with her and took off. He took her out on his golf trip (that I was never invited on) on our wedding anniversary on May the 6th 2012, and our children were the one who told me (I left to the stay in the temple to find peace)….I came back he left the house. Packed his bag and just walked out. Part of me is so happy but part of me is so sad and long for him to come back. This is something I still don’t understand. When I am in a good spirit, my heart is so worry free and happy that he is not around, the girls even said so…that I look so happy and I know, I am so happy without him. But night comes, I cry myself to sleep and kept looking out to see if his car will approach the driveway….why????????? I know, I am happier without him. I am very self-sufficient financially, and very independent in so many ways, yet I feel very naked and social retarded. I try to go out, but feel fake. I questions everything. I see couple walking by laughing, I ask myself…are they really happy or they are faking it just like I did. I tend to be house bounded by my own choice, I don’t want to see those (I think) faking stuff. I stay home, say my prayers and say more prayers. I go to yoga, and spinning classes almost everyday, and try to go out golfing (i like it a lot) more. I like the game….it’s a game of solitude and I only compete with myself which I feel I want to do just that. My girls are very supportive and they try to live their lives but yet keep me in the loope so, I won’t feel lonesome. But, I want them to keep in touch with their father and maintain good relationaship, I pushed very hard for him to be the best father but I am in no position to help in this, and lots of time, he had then close to tears when they come back. I remind them, dad loves them as much as I do he just doesn’t know how to connect with them, So it might be best if they just reconfirm their love through a small message or a little something to keep the bond, but I don’t want them to fall in “the trap” either. They are too precious. I didn’t think I wanted to waste anyone time but, it just keep pouring out of my broken heart……

  8. Susie says:

    What is worse when the narcissistic man “doth protest too much . . . ”
    “I’m a great guy, honest blah blah blah. . . ”
    I’m infatuated, in lust, he’s tons of fun I’m happy. Family friends all think he is a great guy. I fall in love. And then he says he loves me and we are going to build future together and he disappears I mean literally!

    He acts fabulous and wonderful but is an absolute liar. How do I know? His own mother says so! He is egotisticL, selfish, describes himself as “extremely good looking” and needs to be center of attention.

    How do you deal with this type of guy?

    • totallyturnedoff says:

      this is my husband you are describing!!! He has such an inflated sense of self and is a habitual liar to inflate his ever-swelling ego. He prays for people at church and is called on once in a blue moon to deliver a sermon, but he told my uncle last week that he is the assistant pastor! I fought hard to not yell, “what???” and roll my eyes! I am forever amazed at the excessive exaggerations he tells to make himself look good. I can’t take it!!! He had my pastor convinced that I was lying about the way he treats me and how he has no regard for me, but he finally opened his eyes. My husband has perfected the art of looking innocent…a wolf in sheep’s clothing! He tricked me into thinking he was the kindest man I had ever met when in reality he is indeed the most selfish…in every way… including sexually! The Bible says that men are to treat women as the weaker vessel, but he’d rather have that role for himself and be coddled!!! I feel like if I don’t leave, I will lose my sanity!

  9. anita says:

    I have been in an on and off relationship with my partner for 10 years now. The day I met him, I fell head over heels in love with him, and he was nothing but charming and attentive. It didn’t take long for the controlling side to show its ugly face, but by then, I was so in love with him, that I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. He was thoroughly convincing in telling me all my faults, along with how perfect he is. His ability at turning a situation around to suit himself, is mind blowing. The next time you look up, you are apologising for a sin that in fact you didn’t commit in the first place!

    I have shed tears that would fill a dam dry from drought. I have packed my bags more times than I care to remember, and walked. Only to get so far, when the texts begin. How much he loves me, I just dont understand how my behaviour upsets him, how he will work on being more accepting, more understanding, blah blah. Idiot I am, I go back. The first week is glorious, and I am convinced we have finally turned the corner, and will find this happiness, and BANG, its gone in a flash.

    The first time I disagree with his opinion, or ague my point, its game on. He has the mouth of a sewerage rat, is nasty to the core. He will say anything he can to hurt me and bring me down, and he manipulates everything that comes out my mouth. I get so confused, and so frustrated, that I want to lash out, instead I burst into tears of utter frustration at being so totally misunderstood. Its like he plays mind games with me.

    I have tried everything over the years to explain how I feel, and to tell him what comes out his mouth hurts! Its as though he says those things on purpose to hurt and humiliate me. To bring me down a so called peg or two. Even if we in company, and someone pays me a complement, he will find some way of turning it into an insult, but putting humour in as a thin disguise. He never sees fault in himself. He is thee most critical person I have ever met in my life. He will run my friends and family into the ground, and tell me how I am being ‘used and abused’ by them, yet cannot see how he is the one doing all the ‘using and abusing’

    In short, the man is faultless! No one does anything as well as he does, no one is better looking, or has a better body, The man is f*&^* exhausting. I have to constantly stroke his fragile ego, make sure he knows he is ‘wonderful’ and I get fed scraps of attention. If I ask him ‘how do I look?’ – I get ‘fine’ if I venture further with a ‘fine? or pretty?’ question, I get ‘whats this? complements on demand?’ back. But let me answer with ‘Fine’ when he has got dressed and the boy comes out. He has to hear ‘Darling you look beautiful. Really, lovely’ then we can go, now that he is all puffed out and his feathers have been pruned. At the end of the day, its all about him!

    Amazingly, if when we talking I remind him of some of the things he says or does, he denies the lot! I get accused of having made everything up. Something like ‘So this is the rubbish you tell your friends and family? no wonder everyone hates me! You a bare faced liar Anita!’ – so to defend myself, I fetch my phone, or turn on my email and show in what he has sent and said. So now he cannot deny it you would think – WRONG! He will worm his way out of that as well, and tell me how pathetic I am for keeping negative stuff like that, and by the time he has finished, I am balling my eyes out again and the fight is on.

    He used to be sex crazy in the first few years. To the point that he actually turned me off him. He was almost sadistic. Now, he doesn’t come anywhere near me. If I am lucky I get a pat on the back in bed, or a peck hello when he walks in from work. He sulks for days on end, and gets pleasure out of ignoring me for weeks, if I have upset him. He used to call it penance for my bad behaviour. Jesus Christ, as I write all this, I am getting more and more sick to the pit of my stomach.

    I have asked him so many times, to try and understand how I feel. He cant. He can be totally in the wrong, and yet will spend the following day feeling horse whipped, and working on my rap sheet. He will console himself with all he does that no other man would do for me, how much he loves me and how no other man would love me. How good he is to me and how for-granted he is being taken. He is the victim and the fact that i had the gaul to stand up to him and fight back has made it all worse (for him!) bugger the fact that I am heart broken, that’s of no consequence. I dont understand the bigger picture – him!

    Yesterdays fight was because I am running out of time to have a child. I have given this man 10 years on and off, and I am now 43 and challenged in the child producing department. if I dont try NOW for a child, its game over for me within a year, and I dont have the money for IVF treatment etc. He told me flat out yesterday ‘I am not interested. I thought we had agreed that this child thing was in the past. You have a few issues and its going to be difficult for you to fall pregnant so we shelved it. I told you, I dont do sex on demand! Now you bring this shit up again. We not in a financial position, there are too many things wrong, and if I am honest, if things dont work out between us, I am NOT spending the next 20 years paying for this kid. I am not interested. So if you want a child then we have to part ways. I thought we agreed to adopt?’

    ‘Paul its still possible for me to have my own child, so I dont need to adopt yet. What I need is regular intercourse at the right time of month. Besides what the difference between adopting and having your own child? its still money you have to outlay? You cant give the child back to the agency when you have had enough!’ his answer – ‘well in fact you can! I have nothing further to say on this subject’

    I have written an epic here and for that I apologise to all of you. I just need to vent, and if you have an opinion, it would be so appreciated. I must read like a pathetic fool. My family and friends dont understand it. I am a by all accounts, a good looking woman, who is intelligent, well educated, kind, sympathetic etc. God if and when I have hurt Paul, you have never seen anyone more sorry. I cry to Bambi! I have a handful of friends which I have had for between 20 – 30 years, they know me like the back of their hand. They have met Paul and not one person likes him. They all say he is a control freak and ill mannered. My mother got to the point of saying ‘Anita I think you addicted to the drama!’ how sad is that?

    All this time, I never understood him, and have said for years ‘God, Paul is like my sister! they two peas in a bloody pod! both bullies etc.’ Recently my sister got diagnosed as narcissistic. So I had to read up about it and the Penny finally dropped. THATS why she had been so sanctimonious and full of shite and never wrong and oh my God! there was Paul next to her on every page. He, like my sister denies this. Even though she has her results in front of her, she still denies it! I am doomed! *laughing*

    Why have I stayed? Because like my sister, WHEN these people shine, the world smiles with them. They can have such an endearing side to them, and its that side, so rarely seen, that sprouts hope!

    Bless you for reading this.

    I know I should walk, but I look at my home, and its just so sad.

    • tired01 says:

      You know that you’re living with a narcissistic man.. this relationship is meaning-less and frustrating know he is never going to change so i would suggest you to part ways as there is no hope..


    • anon says:

      SO RIGHT!! just wanna support you ladies. its NOT normal to be walkking on eggshells for your own basic
      opnions ( they always feel attacked) they have LACK of brain understanding..and see themselves as VICTIMS
      and everyone is a idiot. they see people as tools or slaves to use,and exploit emotionally. they MOCK,TEASE in
      front of people..even LACKING to defend your honor ! they can be VERY charming,play a role..of fun,and so
      i don’t think its easy to PICK THEM OUT…but you know,because they emotionally lack “feelings” and seem
      a bit unable to help,ask to assist,or worry about others well being. in a fire..they would think “OMG I GOT TO SAVE ME”!!!

      THEY like animals but treat them more like a TOY not real heart breathing creature…not LOVING..not to say
      they can be playful..with them,and others..but its lacking NURTURING….watch them
      they might even laugh if the dog/cat falls,or is kinda having issues..its very very wierd.
      this is SUBTLE..ladies..not that easy …unless you start to study

      they LOVE ATTENTION..bad/good…they HATE being anyone..they UPSTAGE YOU..( and I am very extroverted)
      they narrow your events,groups of people ( they herd you away) they are controlling ( passive) and can be very sneaky
      on making you feel GUILTY and wrong..about your ideas, I mean it . really unhealthy. I have good self worth,and i notice
      they have NO CENTER., NO SOLID love of self.

      • mary says:

        maybe they think we should cover our heads and faces,and walk behind them. it sounds as if we are in one of those countries that trat women like second class least they allow us to read.GOd please help us!

    • Michelle Zogheb says:

      It’s fascinating hearing your sad story. I have one of my own as well. These men are really miserable to the core and extremely frustrating. I’ve never needed therapy in my life until ‘he’ came along. He’s accused me of everything and used such vularities I cannot believe Ive tolerated it all. But yes, he gets us to fall for this ‘great man’ that he paints himself to be, we fall, and then BAM. The reality hits! At 1st it’s unbelieveable, and I spent time, money, and energy trying to convince him that his thinking was false. It was a matter of standing up for truth for me. He dumped me over 11x in just 1 year. I feel like saying i love you made him a monster. Wish I never said it. Oh well, maybe now that I really know who he really is, can I love that? Im suffering with you, and I hope we all get past them and onto better things for ourselves. Best to you

    • Rlin says:

      I am remarried to a narcissist. I feel your pain in this minute, Anita. Because I married a second time I felt I was CLEAR in what I wanted. Communication and honesty. I would not have married this man had I know what I would have now almost 5 years later. I am a smart, kind, not bad looking woman who lived on her own for 7 years before getting remarried. I believed in my vows and continue to live here in this house that I am told is not mine, that I would have nothing if it was not for him, that my Fing kids would have nothing, that I am a stupid, C&^% and I should Shut the F&^% up or get the F out. He has no caring, no empathy and is judgmental. YET, I stay here because I thought I was marrying the love of my life this 2nd time and just want things to be the way they were when we were dating and first married. Pathetic!

    • Allady says:

      I am walking away from the exact same situation TODAY. I feel for you. Do not look at your home and feel sad, YOU build that home. YOU can do it again, And without him and his negative responses, you will do it in 1/3 of the time. WALK, lady. Just do it. The “endearing side” you talk about, is false. He uses that to draw you back, when he sees that you are slipping through his fingers. You are indeed trapped in a small cult-like situation. You owe it to yourself, lady. Who are you ? You do not know anymore, I bet.

  10. Justme says:

    You are living my life. I feel sick to the stomach reading this.
    If I could reach out and hug you I would.

    • L says:

      I almost married a narcissist. However, I was lucky and got out just in time. The wedding was scheduled for April 7, 2012. After almost three years of his mental, emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, I broke it off in February, two months before the wedding. Fortunately, I came out of the relationship still in tact. Everything that I had prior to the relationship, I still have, even my dignity, self esteem, and self respect. But I have NO respect for him. When the chaos begin, you don’t see it as abuse. You think of it as relationship issues because every relationship has its ups and its downs. But finally, you figure that you’ve had enough, and you start making preparations to leave him. However,Leaving him proved to be as taxing as being in the relationship with him. He was like a parasite and a virus that just wouldn’t go away. I thank god for all the websites on narcissistic men. Because of these websites I have learned how to spot, deal with, and leave a narcissistic relationship. I am now on a strict NO CONTACT rule when it comes to this narcissistic A..Hole. I feel very sorry for his next victim because I know that he or she is unfortunately, going to experience the same HELL that I witnessed.

  11. V says:

    I was with a guy for over 3 years who I now believe is a narcissist, a compulsive liar! After I broke up with him I found out about so many lies he told me – I found out the real truth. That was was in jail for fraud and not the reason he gave me…that he was involved with women he told me he never was with. The “world I have discovered” in the last few weeks is something I could never have imagined was possible. He won’t admit to anything and I’ve noticed even though I push him to, there will be a moment where it would sound like he wasnts to tell the truth and feel real remorse but then it’s like something “wakes him up” and then he is drawn back into his world of deceit. I am no longer in love with him….I just want to heal from the pain I feel every now and then. What really broke me was seeing my daughter cry last night. Seeing her hurt and tears. Telling me that she missed him. (It’s not his child and I have 2 – he has none and has never been married). My relastionship with him was the second longest relationship he ever had. It broke me ssing her cry!!!! And today I despise him. Not for anything but because of how COLD and Emotionless he sounded when I told him about how she was feeling. I thought that he deserved to know what he was doing to people. How he was hurting them. How he hurt us! But he doesn’t seem to care one bit. He tried to tell me that he would come and see her etc and I told him that I wasn’t phoning because I wanted him to do anything for her…but just that I needed him to know what his actions does to people. And for kids to experience hurt is not right. I wonder sometimes why he was with me for so long…if there was a chance that he could have loved me like he says…..but I will never get an answer to any of those questions and I’m okay with it. It just does something to me knowing and hearing that someone could be so HEARTLESS!!!!I

    I wonder if he will ever get his day – if he will ever reap what he has sown? Or will he just merrily continue on his journey hurting women with kids…or just even women in general.

    PS! Most of his relationships have been with women with kids and he is going to be 36 this year. No house of his own – live with his mom. Bought a car yday because I took my car back last week. He got a proper job almost a year ago but other than that he was always in between jobs. It’s clear that my life wasn’t going anywhere with him and I know that. But still….the promises…the lies!!! What a fool I was.

    • Brandi says:

      Wow V , I am so you right now. I didn’t think people like this existed here on earth. I have ended an engagement to a heartless, vindictive, ns man. I kicked him out. But he seems like he does not know how he hurt me, one minute he apologizes , cries, says hell change, but the next day he will be very rude, like he didn’t , cry and boo hoo the day before. Crazy, stay strong we can do it. , we have to have faith, god is so good to us. I look at it like this , god put us in people’s life’s for a reason , not all ways for a season, I know I was nice to my ex, loved him, supported him, cooked, cleaned, everything to keep our home loving and peaceful , but god has so many good things for me. I just had to get the bad spirits out he way. Don’t give up , my ex still calls , texts , still thinks he’s in control , he knows he is looseing his footing , his petty a$$ mind games, hie is a habitual liar, cheats and defend his reason for cheating in detail, what she look like, talks to her around me , just total disrespect , I’m done, I choose to take back my life, to be happy again, I mean inside and out, I’m getting back there little by little . And refuse to go there ever again. God bless all

    • totallyturnedoff says:

      Sounds like my husband again!

  12. anon says:

    WOW!! ok maybe i am slow..but I read this,and my father is a narssist,so I picked a few guys with these traits.
    this one,i keep thinking was a money issue,and i was overly enabling to assist,but he is a good guy with these traits
    i also UNDERSTAND why I am not in his MIRROR. he is pea-cock ..he is self-absorbed,and struts in and dumps me
    at any event? why? i am not allowed to say “any critisism” he takes..and takes..he did not cry when my cat ( he loved for 10 yrs)
    dies..he does not cry or feel at several funerals but puts on a SHOW how he does “prayer circles” and dresses up sorta like a priest
    he has fit this to a t. he has HORRID temper ( i don’t push that button) he SHOWS UP, being passive=agressive
    not mean…just creeps in my life weekly..and has NO boundries. he DON’T NOT compliment. he spends time 2 hrs in the shower
    more then me( and i am long hair woman) he has no feelings or love,but he keeps TELLING ME HE IS LOVING PERSON
    OUCH….i think i feel played like a fool. not all these people are abusive outwardly..but i felt sucked dry of energy from preaning
    and pampering a person who claims to love me,,,,,naw…he is more LEECH. thank you so so much for clearing this up
    its all meant to be…

  13. L says:

    The L says above is the comment that I wrote. I don’t understand why I have to submit another comment.

  14. The physco says:

    What if your with him and you have dumped 8times and went back again and again what if man leaves to work abroad you dont need to go for long time are you all not shouting there is your chance for freedom to escape his control??

    Always told i am moaning, stop my crap, shut up and just do as my told! oh your a nutter and a physco! everything your fault you are a drama queen, imaging things over reacting!!

    I was brought up with love praise encouragement a fun happy family – i got bullied at school first guy ever had relationship and slept with was not very nice i waited 2years to make sure was in love and i met him and waited 5months even though got asked why not having sex yet but waited and i was in love amazing.
    His upbringing abuse father only person consider family is sibling. But took everything could get of family money for uni car ect and took his dad money and is abroad visa paid for ect all through dad got great job- I have no ambition i did i was in my last year of becoming a nursery nurse and if i didnt answer calls texts or ditch my studying to go out the fall out and huffs were unbearable needless to say i had leave my course only had 2weeks to go but stress of it and him overpowered me.

    Have you ever said its over then they say no then 2sec later they turn say you want me if not bye and if u keep moaning then bye as we may aswell be over. when they say it u feel like ur holding your breath and cant breathe.

    I mean part me screaming jst send back all the gifts and ring and walk away i love him part me like il see him next month flight booked and see if can work it out i cant change who i am and do some stuff he is asking of me says i take dnt give hahaha ive paid more dates than he ever has as equal and has issue paying for girls even though i said im not ur past and not going to screw you over i mean pathetic.

    He kissed someone ones and this person loves him and wanted us over i dumped him and her as mate back with him and to meet her for lunch when he returns with the other guy pal who loves him (gay) he cant do wrong in their eyes im the one who nuts and plays games up to tricks.

    sex wants 3some but i cnt look other guys wants share and latley if brings up another sex act says well say yes to that or im having a 3way to black mail me or will slip in jokes on 3ways ect or talk about my friends who are all beam poles where im curvy not fat and am really pretty but has said id ave her ect to hurt me make me feel like im not skinny enuff cnt change bone structure curvy. plus obessed with porn sorry no girl is porn star i said open try diff things but if i say no it means no and IM NOT MOANING! i said to him (knowing me a no to prove a point) lets try toys he went mental no way nothing that works u ect only me or we def avin 3way said okay if upsets u and works u up that much we can forget about toys . ahole ehy!!

    blackmailing worse
    silent treatment
    name calling
    put down
    made dinner before him once omg biggest deal ever i was un considerate bitch!
    laughs at me not with me
    hit me once carrying on hit his bits not on purpose kicked punched me appologised as his mte said nah u dnt hit a girl not because he thought was wrong
    stood on my chest”joke” he said when brought it up to go make me wash my hand after eating sweets my hands were clean and not sticky but ended up i did
    put down about image and my education my jobs ect
    thinks he is best no faults and god forbid u say there is diff then aggression and fck of and stop the crap we are nuts
    cant see my view point or understand how he has upset me
    who u with, where are u, always makes u feel like ur cheating when done nothing
    told me girls hot abroad why i know why make me insecure
    family hate him my mates think mistake

    i know i shd walk feel like i cant just now i dnt know wtf is wrong with me why i am allowing this!!!
    i can see summer even being the make or break as i feel so lost
    not if not get guys who i know interested jst been with him long time and part me wants our dreams of hse and life together when things are good i feel so happy but when i feel crap i feel really bad. I was depressed on pill made stay on it for his enjoyment of no condoms and sex cant be crap constant. Fed up being told im moaning i wish i cld open his eyes but feel like time ticking and feel that way i dont know if pain of leaving (last time really hit low wasnt eating sleeping) or pain to stay feeling hurt and low self esteem i really dont know which one is better. Once i see him i will ave to make a choice and stick to it as for now the excuses is been 8months apart via email phones ect so im giving him the chance and i will judge when he his home as i want things to improve. prob deluded and stupid. hope everyone is better as i found all your stories very interesting and informative,.

    • mary says:

      what an angel you are !! we are under a curse or spell. how did other sisters in agony get free or cope???

    • wisdomcanary says:

      OMG!!!! sexual demands…..I can tell you tons of it that I have been refusing to do… Video tape my performance for keepsake? Slutty requests? perform oral on some guy for him to watch? Anal? watch him doing another woman?

      He would NEVER have intimate intercourse with me only demand me to “perform on him”….whatever way that he wants me too.
      I got totally disgusted with these increasing demands and just mechanically perform a “task”. He would even make me put a sexual bet as incentive on our golf game where he is way better golfer than I am. Sad, and pathetic love…I started to see now.

  15. mary says:

    where did my other disappear to?. ladies im in same situation as u my we do not deserve this at all.its the hardest thing i ever had to deal with in they ever grow out of this?? i think i deserve his benefits,after he destroyed my whole life and i raised his kids(8o recognition) would u stay 6 yrs to get bens,if he didnt do someth tricky and creative with the bens

  16. mary says:

    where are all my comments going ???

  17. mary says:

    i am so thankful that i didnt have children with him…. that would have made things much worse!! god bless and protect al of us women who have this cross to bear
    please god make us whole and comfort us!

  18. mary says:

    ladies are there any solutions or strategies we can use in order to cope ? will it ever get any better ? this is shear HELL!!!!! i try to BE CALM,and realize he is really really sick and in pain!!! but i also know thats no excuse WHAT ON EARTH CAN WE DO? PLease someone help us! its that bad!!

  19. Me says:

    My husband of 8 years has made me feel like nothing, from the day our 1st child was born. he says he hates me all the time….that im a “retard” because i do the slightest thing wrong, or simply just question him. im not allowed to question him, if i do, he says ” my weekend is ruined.” i dont know what to do.

  20. Confused99 says:

    I may be married to a narcissistic man and just now realizing who I am up against. All this time(married almost 8 years) I never knew this is what he IS according to all the signs I’ve read and the research. This pattern has his name written on it. It’s true about this type of personality driving you up the wall, well he has driven me to almost suicide and when I confessed it to him, he didn’t even look at me, showed no sympathy.

    I’ve caught him in lies many times. When it’s time to pay bills or rent and I ask him for money to help out, he throws a tantrum and avoids the conversation. He blames me for not making money because I don’t make him feel worthy (I believe he feels that way because I ask him to help out with the expenses). He exaggerates his successes in his so called business (which he’s a marketer and believes in ‘get rich schemes’), but can’t even help me with $100 a month for rent, food, or anything.

    He doesn’t care that we don’t have a social life, all the friends we have are because they are my friends. He doesn’t have close friends himself. Some friends have told me that he has told them that he is doing so well with his business that he will be able to own and island, but yet, we are homeless and living in my friends’ home for very little rent, based on what I can afford to pay.

    Does ‘Narcissistic’ describe this man? what do you think?

    Is there a victim’s help group?

    • wisdomcanary says:

      There is a book called “Narcissistic Lovers” How to cope, Recover and Move On. Excellent book I just bought and finished. Easy to ready, not a lot of confusing terminology and some stories in that book…it felt like some of them had written by my VERY OWN story. It helped me understand what I am up against and why I feel the way I am feeling and how to deal with those feelings. It may help a lot or many of us who suffering and not sure how to find explanations or closure.

  21. GLORIA says:

    omg i totaly can relate to everyone comments about living with a narcissistic partner my life has been a roller coaster ride my husband is very arrougant selfish disrespectful pathological liar i have caught him in sooooo many lies he was dating on line he is a theif cunning he is very flirtasous i actually caught him dating on line and he flat out denied it he is always befriending young girls everything is about him its always his way or the high way he is very sneaky he is always clicking off the computer when i come in our bedroom i know he is up to no good plays alot of childish games he tells his family that im crazy and jeaolous when he is the one thats crazy to think that im going to tolerate this behaviour i also caught him him on match finders he say’s he is just seeing who is on there i asked him why would u care who looking for a man u r married each time i have confronted him about his behavior he just tells me im jealous i am sooo unhappy but i dont have any family left i am a only child my children are grown so i think that has a lot to do with me still hoping that things will change

    • wisdomcanary says:


      I was having a hint of hope that mine will change one day too, but I have been waiting 27 years now and he just walked away with another woman. He acted like nothing happen and I should be just fine with the way it is. I had found the same thing with my husband on either FB, Twitter, or even plain email with three different women and three different acts at the same time he acted just normal and as nothing at all shall be concerned. I never knew what narcissism was….till now. And OMG!!!! how true and how unbelievable it could be for good 27 years of my life that was not even a small truth in it.

  22. Elsabe says:

    I gave up my beautiful fulfilled life and everything valuable in SA to marry this wonderful and good looking man in his country. The honeymoon was soon over after 3 months. I was stuck in my own home as I was not allowed to go out. All I had were the 4 walls. He would leave the house at 7am and come home at 10/11pm. He would not even call home to check on me. I was so alone as I could not speak or understand the language of that country. It was hell being in that country and I was not allowed to have friends. I stuck that out for 3 years when I decided in 2009 that I would come back to SA.

    When I got back to SA, I ignored all his calls for about 3 months. Finally I gave in in hope that he had learnt his lesson. I took him in again because he was so sympathatic and said lovely things to me. I was a FOOL and that was my BIGGEST MISTAKE and DOWNFALL. I should have known better as he is so manipulative, self praising smooth talker and a liar. I have not stopped crying. It is such a nightmare.

    I divorced him in 2009 but he is now stalking me. I am in the midst of having an interdict again him. Presently I am still afraid. I pray that I all this will be over soon and that I will lead a happier life at last!!!!!!

  23. Kant Chander says:

    Thanks for your marvelous posting! I quite enjoyed reading it, you might be a great author.
    I will be sure to bookmark your blog and will eventually come back from now on.
    I want to encourage continue your great job, have a nice afternoon!

  24. Jane says:


    I feel so sad reading your stories. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It is impt to be a strong woman and reading about your post taught me not to put up with anything and yes, I don’t and hopefully won’t in the future. I offer prayers to all of you. You’re all beautiful and complete without those devil incarnate guys. Your spirit is beautiful. Kisses and hugs 🙂

  25. Kimberly says:

    I always knew something was not right,about 6months ago after attending several sessions with a counselor together he blurts out how “mentally I’ll “I am,and how he wants me to get “help”!I’m a stay at home mom of 6kids ,half are grown up now.we have not been getting along ,he has had me sleeping on the couch for the last 2months. About 3weeks ago he called CPS (child protective services)on me (i know it was him because he told me three days before they showed up claiming, I had not bought any food and was not feeding my kids(we had plenty )he failed to tell social worker that “he was withholding the family budget”.also tried saying I tried to run him over with my car 6months earlier !!! In front of my kids supposedly too!(because they were in the car),so CPS came out “embarrassing for me and a little traumatizing for the kids being interviewed.”she said she was going to close the case due to lack of evidence. But today he went down to the office and supposedly told them that “was going to or had threatened to DROWN my children” the horror I felt! I still cannot believe he would ever lie about me that way! , he can’t stop for a second to see that he has violated our relationship in a way that we cannot not fix!now it has to be over.I have no choice.he is tormenting the kids by saying such things! And subjecting them to these countless interviews! FOR NO REASON,,!! I feel so broken and ashamed. I think he thinks I was going to leave so he is trying to prove me an unfit parent or dangerous to take the kids from can someone do that to the mother of their children,he must not believe that the children need me.obviously he doesn’t .he said he has never known hate till he met me.that hurts……

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